龍年年初二（20240211）

年初二，傷心，因為給自己最愛誤解了。

他用“爛仔”來形容我。

這個“爛仔”表現只想保護自己。這個世界太恐怖，自小没有人告訴我要怎面對現實。

父母也是不懂教導我。小時候住在一個Green house 中，要面對險惡，没有人教導下只有自己撞撞碰碰，令自己損手爛腳。

仍然没有學懂，因為初心仍然告訴自己世界仍然有心人。

連自己愛的人也不幢，還有什麼重要。

腦海不斷記起：有個父親嫁女當日對男說：“我愛我女兒，如果將來你不愛她，請將她還給我。”

真的可以嗎？

Need to take care of myself

Life is not too smooth as I don't feel any support from Ken. I sometimes think he doesn't know how much he hurts me. Of coz, I don't say anything, bcoz he won't understand.

I am very Unhappy. The only thing I can think of is... being with Horlicks. However, I try to walk with him as much as possible. I try to hide myself from Ken... actually... I think he doesn't care... or he doesn't feel any problem. that makes me even more depressed....

After I start medicine, things really turn not too well. Continuously headache, from one joint pain to ALL joint pain at the same time. Maybe I should get very upset in order NOT to eat too much and start to cry more....?

My friend, I think I am in depression again. Maybe I need some helps. Whenever I am in this moment, I super miss Janice and just wanna go to be with her.

I sometimes think why do I have to take care of myself? Why do I need do? God told me this last night, "So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE".

Does he mean I should overcome everything Ken treats me or does to me bcoz I love him very much? I don't know... I am very stressed. Work, health, now home....

Whenever I see people hug their kids, I am so mad at myself, why can't I hug Janice? why can't I tickle her? why can't I make her kitchen myself? I always want to make her a kitchen so she can cook for me.

after all these, why do I need to take care of myself? why? bcoz I love God? or God loves me? right at this moment, I can only tell you, I can't love myself now. bcoz I really HATE myself.

New Year, New start!

It has been years that I haven't update this blog. I have to apologize to my friends and the people read this blog.

I am back!

I always want to keep my blog updated so I can read it in 20 years.

Ok, here is the deal. I am going to have a tough year this year. Hope everyone will be with me. :)

First, I will need to tell you something. I will need to do a surgery in the summer time. Not easy, but I will have a month rest. Please don't ask me for now as I am still depressed inside and I don't want to mention the reason of the surgery. However, I believe God will not leave me to walk alone. That is my motivation to come back here.

I have been starting couple blogs. One is this one, another one is about how I walk thru DANIEL PLAN. I will talk about the mentally change of my life here and physically change of my life in another blog. :)

ok, Friends, let's the 2017 begin...!!!!

Another Brand new day!!!!

Dear all friends...

I will try not to JUST talk about Janice and me...

Please understand this is one of the main way I can relief....

Anyway.... I will try to put more stuffs on here... Take care, Everyone...

Day after snowstorm

Dear Janice,

It was second snowstorm of the year...

I made you a small snowman last time and I made a bigger one this time. Not as good as Uncle Carreau made for you, but good enough... HOpe you can see it from the above. I also made another 3 smaller ones together. They are mommy, Daddy and you, Janice.

I haven't update here for a month. Not that I forget about you... Janice, how could I forget you?

I have been working out in order to have better health. It seems like still a long way to go. I gained so much weight... maybe keep eating when I misses you... or... just didn't care anymore...

I also started to look for job. Don't know if I should go for any job now, but I guess that is what your Dad wants me to do... so should do it.

Not easy.... really not easy...

Por por and Dad didn't know why I cry so much. They are thinking I shouldn't stay at home... actually, being home is part of my relief... I can be with you (not physically, but mentally)...

Whenever I cry, I feel a tug on my heart... hope this is bcoz you are hugging me... I am thinking how you are kissing me when I am crying, asking mommy not to cry... you are here for me. right?

After you are gone, Cookie is gone too. It is a very big change for por por. I guess we all really can't handle you are in heaven earlier than us. I believe God has his plan on mommy and Daddy.

Whenever I hear the noise upstairs while I am in the kitchen. I hope this is your ghost playing in your room. Janice, isn't it crazy? But I know you are not ghost in our house, but angel in the heaven. I sometimes ask about myself... "What am I thinking?"

Anyway, I gotta go out... I miss you, baby. I miss you Janice.

Mommy misses you so much. Are you looking at me from the above?

New year

Dear Janice,

It is new year. Not that I want to forget about you. I want to move on. I am trying to look forward.

I went to different place with grandma. Your grandma was really kidult. That means she acts like kid but she is a grow up. Anyway, we went for lunch with your uncle ka Ho and I went to "faith" shop with grandma.

She was looking for toys, of coz for herself. I was browsing around and I ended up at the baby corner. They have all kinds of stuffs for babies.

I felt to have red nose. Then I remembered one of my friends wrote me behalf of you. Whenever I see other kids or babies and I feel to have red nose. It is bcoz you are kissing my nose. Baby, I was imagining how you kiss me.

Thanks for being with me at all the time.

Baby, I miss you.
Janice, I really miss you.

Love,
Mom

Almost a week...

It has been almost a week since Janice went back to the arms of Jesus.

It is not easy for me at all. I am sure it is not easy for Kenneth as well. Our emotions are effecting each others. God has his plan on us. I am extremely expressive, and he is extremely high EQ. When things like this happened... Of coz, still have a lot of confusion, questions and most of all, lost...

Kenneth is trying his best to take care of me everyday. I want to give him some space, so I try my best to rest on bed.

People keep telling me that I should rest as much as I can.... it seems like I am doing ok... I lost 19 lbs since Janice was born. I am pumping breast milk for hospital in order to take care of those Sick babies. I eat and drink.... what else...? I don't know... I just want a peace of mind.... really peaceful one...

Knowing friends from HK are sending me flowers.. no wonder I have an order of flowers coming to me this afternoon. I am so lost to a point.... I don't really know what I am doing.... anymore...

There are so many people who try to help me... but when they offer the help. I don't know what kind of help I need. Kenneth doesn't trust others but doint all that for me. I don't like other touch my stuffs including feelings...

Janice, if I tell you I don't miss you... Sorry I lied. Daddy and Mommy miss you every minute. I have a routine to get up every morning around the same time when you used to kick me around.
Janice, I can't use "MISS" to express the feeling towards you.

Janice, We love you very very much. LISTEN.... WE DO! WE DO LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!! No matter what happen... our LOVE is still there.... for you... You have fun in Heaven, ok? We will meet you one day. Love you... Love you...