Almost a week...

It has been almost a week since Janice went back to the arms of Jesus.

It is not easy for me at all. I am sure it is not easy for Kenneth as well. Our emotions are effecting each others. God has his plan on us. I am extremely expressive, and he is extremely high EQ. When things like this happened... Of coz, still have a lot of confusion, questions and most of all, lost...

Kenneth is trying his best to take care of me everyday. I want to give him some space, so I try my best to rest on bed.

People keep telling me that I should rest as much as I can.... it seems like I am doing ok... I lost 19 lbs since Janice was born. I am pumping breast milk for hospital in order to take care of those Sick babies. I eat and drink.... what else...? I don't know... I just want a peace of mind.... really peaceful one...

Knowing friends from HK are sending me flowers.. no wonder I have an order of flowers coming to me this afternoon. I am so lost to a point.... I don't really know what I am doing.... anymore...

There are so many people who try to help me... but when they offer the help. I don't know what kind of help I need. Kenneth doesn't trust others but doint all that for me. I don't like other touch my stuffs including feelings...

Janice, if I tell you I don't miss you... Sorry I lied. Daddy and Mommy miss you every minute. I have a routine to get up every morning around the same time when you used to kick me around.
Janice, I can't use "MISS" to express the feeling towards you.

Janice, We love you very very much. LISTEN.... WE DO! WE DO LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!! No matter what happen... our LOVE is still there.... for you... You have fun in Heaven, ok? We will meet you one day. Love you... Love you...

BB Janice...

Ken and I were expecting our BB Janice to see the world on Dec 7 2012.

We went to regular check up on Nov 7, 2012
No Heart Beat.... NO HEART BEAT???? Dr. Ou suggested us to do ultra sound immediately.
Ultra Sound confirmed BB Janice passed away, no Heart beat...

We were so upset... so confused... we didn't know what to do... However, we chose to let BB Janice out right the way. So we went to Hospital on Wednesday (Nov 7 2012)

We went to hospital at 8pm. Couldn't believe how we passed the whole day until 8pm. With tears and confuses.....

It was the longest day in my life... Didn't know what to do... but at the same time... I didn't think I could live without Kenneth's presence.

Things changed dramatically... We were expecting BB Janice in 4 weeks. We were preparing her room excitely...

Now... Just didn't know what to do....

Nurses and Dr suggested us to stay in hospital on Wed night. We both were really upset and very confused...

Thursday Nov 8 2012 was the day. We were holding hands all the time... BB Janice's body was still inside me... but we really didn't know what to do.

Dr came to me and told me the procedures. However, Dr put the medical gel inside me. I started to have contraction an hour later.... getting more and more pain ... In my thought... I would not let myself use epidural bcoz I felt I deserve the pain.

9:15am gel inside me.
2:15pm contraction began
2:50pm getting serious contraction
3:15pm pain increased and started to have the level of my period pain
4:05pm Pain level to the top... Nurses called Dr. Started to see Head....
4:10pm Dr came in and started the serious push
4:26pm BB Janice was born

Janice Man. Nov 8 2012 5lb 8oz 47cm

Even it was BB Janic's body only... Kenneth and I felt relief... but looking at the motionless body... it was very upsetting...
Nurses blanket BB Janice's body to me. I was carrying her. She closed her eyes, and she seemed very calm. Opened her little mouth... I guess wanna cried out.. it was not easy for us to handle this situation.

After a while we took pictures with BB Janice and stuffs.... Nurse came to pick her little body up.

We were so empty.
We were so lost.

We didn't know what to do antoher night... prayed together, cried together...

BB Janice, we missed you very much. We do missed you very very much.... Please don't mind Mommy cry alot. I cried bcoz I miss you, my little princess...

Janice, We love you very much...!!!!